I remember over 10 years ago now when I saw my Mum after not seeing her for a while.
She always was keeping me safe and never wanted to bother me with any problems she had. Was it right was it wrong?
I do not know she did the best she knew led by her instinct. Over a year before all of these, I had my own personal trauma – probably a story for another day.
My Mum was in the final stages of terminal cancer signed off from any treatments into palliative care. I did not know how bad it was. Why?
I was living in a different country and simply I was becoming a mum to my daughter, heavily pregnant I could not travel anywhere. These months were traumatic as I did not how to enjoy my motherhood at the same time experiencing the quick progression of the illness and immense suffering by my beloved Mum.
Eventually, I did see her. I left my 3 months old daughter and rushed to see her. And when I saw her, I wanted to burst into tears, she could not sit, she was half the size. She was in pain.
Something has broken inside me. I never was very emotional, I guess after my Dad. But this event I can say triggered massive emotions of guilt, regret, hopelessness but also unconditional love. This is truly when my healing journey started.
In order to be healed, you need to uncover all the wounds you have inside to start the healing process. You have to go deep, the process is difficult and you want to scream Why????? all the time. I have been doing this for the last 10 years, not fully aware until now.
I came back to UK and I knew I need to take my daughter to say goodbye to her grandmother. I rushed to sort her passport and a few weeks later we were back in Poland.
But Mum was never to enjoy the hugs, and playfulness with her granddaughter. She was too weak and on the massive painkiller doses leaving her wanting to sleep all the time. What I could do is to help around the house, spend time by her bed, and leave my daughter in a baby carrier by her bed so that she could watch and talk to her a bit.
These years taught me a lot and had a profound effect on how I perceive my life today. Did I take any lessons from that experience at that time? Of course not. I did not know how.
The best thing I could do is to return to work as soon as I could. I was not able to deal with my emotions. I looked after my daughter (she was put on long hours into a nursery which obviously resulted in numerous infections and illnesses for the whole family), while trying to be professional and always available for regular travels.
I massively regret that now as I should have stayed home to help me and her to recover and to bound. I guess I put some blame on my daughter that I could not help my Mum because of her – terrible I know.
I did not go inside. I just wanted all those feelings to go away. I wished I knew what I know now. Now I have an opportunity to help others to go inside and heal what needs to heal. I am not a Therapist but I am a Coach and I see potential in other people and I want to make sure they see it as well for whatever goals they have in life.
I truly believe that self-care is so important. Often we have no mercy for our emotions, bodies constantly living in our head, not in our heart. To experience the true transformation is to go deep, inside, heal the wounds, and take small steps towards the life you meant to live.
My Mum died in Hospice without me by her side. This year will be 11th Anniversary. My daughter was born in May she died in October the same year. She left her journals describing her journey through the illness. Never able to tell that to anyone, she resorted to writing. They are heartbreaking to read but I am glad I have them.
Has my healing journey finished? No, this is a constant work but now I have tools (and wonderful people who believe in me) I can use every day to be the best version of myself I can without pressure, perfection, and resentment but with love, open mind and heart.
I have found my passion and calling in health and life coaching. You can book a non obligatory discovery session. I specialise in plant-based nutrition, weight management, cleanse programs as well as finding your true passion and what you meant to be doing.